BRATTLEBORO — For many of us, watching our parents age can be a beautiful experience, particularly if we talk less and listen more.
The stories that are told can weave images of different times and can continue to teach us who our parents are and were. Our conversations with them can be more meaningful, yet also more challenging - particularly when it comes to the topics of death and dying, health and finances.
As a 35-year banking veteran, I have frequently observed the slow, steady decline of my wonderful customers' capacity to manage their finances, particularly in light of a new threat: fraud targeted toward the elderly.
For families, this heightened risk should prompt a new - and critical - conversation early on, as elder financial exploitation crosses all social, educational, and economic boundaries.
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Why are older adults more at risk and susceptible to taking the bait of a fraudster?
Because they tend to be more trusting and polite. They might feel lonely or isolated. They might be vulnerable due to grief from the loss of a spouse, family member, or pet.
Many elders struggle with some form of cognitive impairment. They are more likely to receive care from a person with some sort of substance abuse, gambling or financial problem, or mental-health issue.
Or sadly, they might depend on a family member who pressures them for money directly or who seeks control of their finances.
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I have seen all of these situations and will share a few stories from 2014.
• Betty lost her husband last year. She was a successful professional, considers herself computer savvy, and takes great pride in emailing her grandkids.
Betty is also meeting people online and has met a wonderful man, a teacher, who is currently working in Prague. They have many wonderful email conversations, a routine that fills a void in Betty's life.
Gradually, over time, her “friend” confides in Betty that he's had an accident and needs help, would Betty help him?
Here's what Betty is told to do: wire $500 to him in Prague; he'll provide her with step-by-step directions.
Before too long, the request frequency and amounts increase. But there's love. The teacher will be coming back to the States soon and hopes to marry Betty.
Over the course of the next few months, Betty will end up taking several thousand dollars out of her retirement account and wire it to her friend.
Her family is unaware that any of this is going on.
• Then there's Bill, who's been contacted by the Canadian lottery. Bill has just learned that he has won $1 million, and all he needs to do is send the processing fees to the lottery processing center via MoneyGram or Western Union (which are neither tracked nor regulated). He gets the instructions.
Many lottery letters and $14,000 later, Bill is still convinced that the “Brinks truck” will be pulling up to his door any day now.
How did we find this out? From a teller who happened to mention, “Gee, Bill's been coming in a lot making cash withdrawals.”
Again, Bill's family is unaware; they all live out of state.
• Margie and Pete are a wonderful couple who have been married for 60 years. They just received a call from a title company in Florida, which has a buyer for their condo there. (Title records are public information.)
They can “close the deal” if Margie and Pete send them a check for the title work - just $1,895.
Unfortunately, Margie and Pete's phone number, name, address, signature, bank, account number, and routing number are now being shared, and they're the target of all kinds of fraudulent scams. Their account is now being used to make payments to credit cards, all over the country.
I get almost daily visits from Margie and Pete telling me about one offer after another. I do my best to talk them out of acting and recommend that they change the telephone number that they've had for 50 years.
I finally called their son, who luckily was a joint owner on the account. (Otherwise, privacy rules prevent banks from reaching out to family.)
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In all of these cases, the victims truly believed what they were doing was real.
And frequently in such situations, once they understand that they have been the victim of fraud, they request that it be kept confidential.
They are ashamed and embarrassed. They might fear retaliation. They might be in denial, or they might blame themselves for being so gullible. They might even be loyal to the perpetrator, a very common result of cases where a “relationship” has been formed.
These stories are representative of the extreme cases of exploitation that we see almost weekly.
And abuse by a caregiver is an equally significant and common abuse.
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So, what can you do?
Communicating as a family about these types of financial risks is immensely important.
• Talk about how fraud happens and the importance of everyone knowing those whom they do business with.
• Ask questions if you fear that a parent might be lonely.
• Check on the relationship your parent has with his or her caregiver and ask about whether your parent gives money to the person to run errands.
• Watch for frequent cash withdrawals on bank accounts.
• Add a family member to bank accounts so that account activity can be monitored.
• Find out if your parent's accounts come with identity-theft and fraud-protection services.
• Ensure that all computers are armed with virus protection.
And finally, talk less, and listen more - for clues that your parent might be the victim of elderly abuse.