BRATTLEBORO — Not too long ago, I attended a group for adoptive parents.
It seemed a strange thing for me to do. True, I had adopted my firstborn son. He was 6 months old. He is Filipino-American, dark-eyed, and gorgeous.
True, eight months later, my second son arrived by birth.
True, when the boys were 6 and 8 years old, I adopted my daughter. She was 6 months old and African-American.
But they are now grown and flown. At the meeting, I found myself surrounded by parents of toddlers. Why was I there?
A short time ago, at a conference, I met a new grandmother from Indiana. Her daughter was lesbian and lived with a woman. Her daughter had given birth to a baby boy who was now only a few months old.
Talking to this woman, I was struck, first by her love and acceptance of her daughter's choices, and secondly, by her anxieties for her grandson. She longed to protect this child from disrespectful, non-understanding people.
The feelings were so like my feelings when I first met my oldest son. I remember trying to affix a hex sign to the door to “keep demons away.”
I agonized about a white mother's ability to protect from hurt a child of color. Today, I realize I hadn't protected any of my children. The world is a hurting place.
What I told this new grandmother was, “Love them.”
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I believe any strength my children have is because of love. Without love, I am sure, they would have suffered even greater harm.
My three children are not perfect, but they are sensitive, caring adults. And I have no regrets about adopting them. It was a wonderful family to raise.
Sure, we fought our battles with racism, sexism, all those -isms. No matter where they chose to live in this country, these issues would have been a part of their lives.
Your daughter and grandson are fortunate, I said to the woman, to have you for a mother and grandmother. I can tell you really love them.
A week later I received a letter. It said, “The dear little one is doing very well, as are his two Moms. I didn't expect to feel so protective as a grandmother. I felt so understood by you. Thanks so much."
That's why I attended the Adoptive Parent's group.
I wanted to say, Yes, there will be problems. Yes, some of the problems will be because the child is from another culture, whether it be Korea or a gay community. But most of the problems will be those that children, no matter how they enter a family, will have: Who am I? Who are my family and friends? What do I need to know to live?
To face life as a loved child does make a difference. We all long to protect our children.
We can't.
We can only wrap them in love, give them the knowledge we have, and pray.