BRATTLEBORO — Surreal living and grieving
when no more than a few years ago I would have said I have not experienced much death in my inner family or circles
slowly, about three years ago that began to change
but when those friends died
we gathered
we saw pictures with their eyes and smiles looking back
we held each other
we sat in established places together
no one wondered where to meet
and who to hold
and now
I lose count of the deaths
one after another
and watch those left behind enter grief
again and again
one after another
locked in houses
ungrounded and ungathered
I try to feel shaken to the core
but I am numb in the horror
I don't grieve
rather it pours from me in short bursts at the wrong times
only to be shoved back down and I numb out again
I don't hold people outside of my home
There is no gathering
No stationary place to walk to, knowing you will see a friend or three to love or smile with
There is only the focus of raising babies
finding money
cleaning or not cleaning the house
Work
politics
bills piling up
I wish I could scream stop!
and freeze time for us all for a moment
Instead of moving through the fog of getting back to whatever
In a dissociative haze thinking
I'll grieve later
When there is time
when there is space
when I can find others to hold
until then I'll slap on a strong face
enter the world
trying not to burden people with the knowledge of pain held tightly within
like a hand gripping my throat in the trailer for a horror movie
eyes wide
mouth quiet
While swirling all around us
are the ungrieved
unheld souls of our loves
literally lost to us in droves
and I try to be
normal
punctual
focused
determined
Not flat to the ground with chest heaving
curling to the side to rest in the horror of such sadness
I wish I could scream stop!
and freeze us all for a moment
so I can find you and hold you
and so we can quietly sit in grief
with the souls of our lost friends