WARDSBORO — Walking the aisles while shopping at the local big-box discount store (you know the one!), I suddenly began to question something deeply personal about myself: How come I could never see myself veering towards the political Left?
And, then, a couple of aisles later, it came to me.
I realized that those with left-leaning views vote for their legislative representatives based on the “free stuff” promised to them from every campaign podium. Free health care! Free community college tuition! Reparations!
And here's the best one: Guaranteed personal income for all! No one has to work if they don't want to! Let's add one more: free homes!
You know all the talking points for the 2020 presidential campaign already.
What seemed misguided to me in all that - and, in point of fact, evidently not politically correct on my part - was that not one of those “free gifts” matched my values.
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Take free health care, for example. I am beer-and-pizza-proud to be overweight, I don't exercise (unless wood chopping counts), I gulp down a man's man serving of red meat daily, and I am not the sort of guy to waste good hard-earned money on some wimpy salad greens.
And what about free community college tuition? All my friends know I did not graduate high school. And they know I could never stand pushing papers in an office.
Why would I, when I could be outside digging a drainage ditch and filling my lungs with that good Vermont fresh air? I love the sense of accomplishment that comes when I see a ditch I made where the water flows perfectly. It's a joy!
As for the matter of reparations, my story gets even more personal.
My father came to the United States from Canada to escape the caste system that British colonialism there had imposed on French immigrants. Yet he never felt that what he suffered from those policies meant he was owed anything.
It's my feeling that the sins of American slavery, in which my ancestors had no part, can never be erased but can only be forgiven. You can't buy forgiveness.
The idea of a guaranteed personal income makes sense until you realize that all it does is raise the level of poverty to a higher level of poverty. Whatever happened to working hard for a living?
I was taught what “work” means by my father's example. My father showed me that the way to succeed in life was to get in the game, no matter how stacked the odds are against you, start a business, put your heart and soul into it, and save every penny.
Which, of course, means that someday you can buy your own house, which you will love more and take care of a thousand times better than you would any “free” cookie-cutter apartment in a government-built tract.
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But, now that I think about it, there might actually be a few giveaways that would nudge a few of us “deplorables” on the right toward the left.
To start: Isn't there one candidate out there on the left who will offer a federal program of free beer for life? Yep, we'd like a government coupon for a free 24-pack once a week. That way, we can at least be partying hard until the government figures out how stupid it really is.
Second, if the government can fork over enough money for free community-college tuition for all the future C-grade-average grads who will just end up at McFood drive-through windows anyway, I think every American with a blue-collar job should get a brand new pickup truck, free, every five years. After all, we're the ones driving to work every day and paying the highest percentages of our incomes in state and federal taxes. Find me a candidate who will put that in the liberal platform!
Third, I might consider supporting a liberal candidate who offered a government-funded program of free funerals for everyone.
It's a given that we “deplorables” aren't about to make any major lifestyle changes to live longer and healthier lives, and we cannot really afford to pay for nice funerals anyway after working ourselves to our early graves and paying all those high taxes for 40 or 50 years.
Here's how it would work: the government provides everyone with some totally inadequate healthcare in its mismanaged hospitals and understaffed clinics (P.S. And don't forget the totally inadequate dental care, too), but then the feds could make up for that by giving everyone a really nice send-off. The burial or cremation of your choice!
Finally, I'd like to see a candidate who would propose giving me a free year-round hunting license and a free year-round fishing license for life.
Speaking for myself, I know I would be spending a lot less time in honky-tonk cafés and bars eating greasy burgers, sticky ribs, and hot wings, if I could just go out and shoot my lunch and dinner any time I felt like it. Who doesn't just love to throw a fresh-caught Vermont rainbow trout into a frying pan?
Here's an environmental benefit to that! There would be far fewer commercially raised, methane-farting and gas-belching cows, pigs, and chickens needed for my never-ending barbequing.
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I think my four proposals are not asking too much, seeing as the billions of dollars the liberals are proposing to shell out just for free health care alone will probably bankrupt the entire nation.
And besides, I really could use a new truck.