BRATTLEBORO — Sometimes victims are not able to hear about other victim experiences because they are still coming to terms with their own.
Here is mine - and why I believe that many victims and survivors don't share theirs.
My virginity was taken by a 38-year-old family friend when I was 16, a scenario that played out several times after. He had already encouraged me to embrace my sexuality and had taken pornographic pictures of me at 15.
I received only a handful of counseling visits shortly after it happened.
Family members said I seduced my abuser and reasoned that he couldn't control himself. They were upset that he was shown in this light, and they mourned the loss of his presence. My mom said so.
Many victims become overtly sexual as a result of their assault/abuse, and that is what happened to me. I had become over-sexualized from my experience. That only resulted in further trauma.
I had become the community Lolita.
I was overtly flirtatious with the men in our apartment complex, including those who were married.
No one told my mother I was acting in this way and that they were concerned for me. Instead, women just stopped talking to me and scowled at me. Grown men started hitting on me.
What I needed was support, mentoring, and guidance, not to be shunned by women and preyed on by more adult men, including two who had sexual interactions with me.
* * *
And there was no justice.
My mother did make a report to the police, but by Massachusetts law at the time, 16 was the age of consent - regardless of age difference.
I wouldn't likely win a case in court without physical evidence and that I would likely not be believed in the courts. I learned these realities from a detective who cried tears for me as he spoke these words.
So my case was closed.
* * *
My story illustrates why victims remain silent.
This happened to me seven years after Christine Blasey Ford's assault. I don't think anything but negative reaction and disbelief would have come from her speaking out.
I did speak up, and I was not vindicated or supported. I felt blamed for my abuser's choice and for our family's loss of his friendship.
I was told I had little to no power in ensuring that he would be faced with consequences for his crime or in making sure he wouldn't do so again. I was ostracized and further abused by what had been my community.
Not until victims feel that they will be heard, vindicated, supported, and protected can anyone expect them to speak up.
And if they do speak up, are we really ready to listen and be there for victims and survivors?
Because even stripped of doubt, shame and blame, and the tarnishing of reputations of the perpetrators, all the stories at the core are going to be ugly, tragic, and unsettling. And there are so, so many of these stories.
Ready to listen?
Best be, because we are starting to talk more and more, and we need to be heard, even if our stories are heartbreaking and overwhelming to hear and to accept.
Do your research on how trauma from sexual assault shows up. Be present, even when it is hard to listen. And respond in a way that feels non-judgmental and supportive.
It can be as simple as “I believe you. That never should have happened to you. Is there anything I can do for you?”