BRATTLEBORO — When gauging the risk level for a domestic violence victim, certain details always raise red flags: the presence of a gun, threats of violence, strangulation, and any past physical harm.
But while such danger requires the most careful safety planning, it doesn't necessarily create the deepest wound, nor does it leave the longest-lasting scars for survivors.
Less visible, but no less potent, is the emotional abuse that also tends to spew from an abuser's mouth.
This spoken harm, which can be hardest to heal from, is a recurring theme in our weekly support group. Verbal abuse is also an early warning sign in any potential new relationship.
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We've all heard “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” yet even kids soon learn that half the rhyme is false: words, too, can devastate.
Anyone who's ever been on the receiving end of a vicious verbal attack knows what it's like to then carry those bits of shrapnel around inside.
Abusers know it, too, and they aim for sensitive spots as they pick and choose methods of control. Even when there is no overt violence, an abuser's subtler tactics are always in operation.
A study by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence found that 95 percent of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them. Such abuse includes humiliation, making the victim feel diminished or embarrassed in public or private, and undermining confidence.
These emotional injuries can wreak havoc with someone's mental health, plus they compound the trauma of physical and sexual abuse that might also be occurring.
According to researchers Leslie Sackett and Daniel G. Saunders, “ridiculing of a woman's traits - an attack on her character - is more likely to shatter her sense of hope, security in the relationship, and even her sense of self.”
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What's tricky, of course, is that in early dating, abusers manage to mask their true tendencies - a clear indicator that they're always in control of their behavior. They don't start out swinging, nor do they immediately hurl insults: if they did either, they wouldn't get a second date.
However, according to therapist Steven Stosny, writing a list of early-warning signs for Psychology Today, abusers do often exhibit considerable entitlement.
One example is what he calls blamers: people who tend to blame their own feelings, actions, or circumstances on everybody else. Doing so can make them feel “justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take.”
Not surprisingly, a related trait is a sense of resentment, of not getting what they believe is their due in life.
Abusers “use resentment as a defense against a sense of failure or inadequacy,” says Stosny, who adds that they become “completely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others.”
Even early on, abusers might come across as petty about minor things and quick to criticize. Sarcasm is another sign - not just the funny, irreverent kind, but the kind that is “hostile and meant to devalue.”
Two more obvious traits on the list are deceitfulness and showing minor jealousy very early in the relationship.
But perhaps the most complicated sign is the rusher, who comes in with sweep-you-off-your-feet urgency.
We say “complicated” because this behavior mimics our cultural notion of romance: when someone new shows intense interest and eagerness to commit, it might feel like your soulmate has just arrived.
That might be so, but with abusers, that sweet talk and rush to intimacy is all about establishing control.
We often get apologetic calls that start with “I'm not sure if I should be calling because my partner doesn't hit me, but....” Please know that you don't need bruises to call us.
Words can hurt - and when they're used to maintain power in a relationship, that's abuse.