BRATTLEBORO — I have been an only parent for almost 15 years. In that time, I have never had a partner. I do have a family who helps some, but at the end of the day, the responsibility is all mine.
In our culture, we have many types of single parents: single parents with family, single parents without family, single parents with the every-other-weekend second parent, single parents with the half-time other parent, single parents with money, single parents without money.
And then we have the only parents, who also fall into those same categories. They absolutely share some similar traits as all of these types of single parents.
However, only parenting is different, and it is about time we talk about it in the open.
When you are an only parent at the end of the day, it all falls on you! Just about every lunch, every sock washed, every clean house, every wood-stacking adventure, every dollar, every ride, and every bedtime - all yours.
I have been shamed, shunned, and judged because I can't do the job of two parents with my kid, and anyone out there who is an only parent has experienced the same treatment.
I have forgotten lunches, I have lacked money for new shoes, I have been unable to put deposits on prescriptions.
I have not gotten him to school on time, I have not had enough food in the house, I have gotten him to bed late, I have let him stay home from school for no reason.
I have forgotten important appointments, classes, paperwork, and dates.
But I have also fought for my child's well-being. I have held him through every sadness, celebrated every success, taken important money-making days off of work in order to just be a mom, listened to endless (trust me: endless) singing.
I have also planned every birthday, every graduation, and every holiday, and I have made sure that I am in constant communication with his teachers and on top of his physical and emotional well-being at all times.
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Here is the thing: I am not the only one out there. There are lots of us.
I am here to say: take your judgment and be humbled instead.
We need to sit down and recognize our expectations of parents - all humans, really - in our culture right now.
Before you shame a kid because their mom or dad forgot to fill out paperwork or pay for something, ask yourself how you could help. It's not as if parents ever want to forget important needs of their kids. All of us do, and we only parents certainly do.
Imagine for yourself what it would be like if it was all on you to create, protect, and guide every single moment of your children's lives.
Don't fool yourself into believing that when you let a kid know that they “got a lot of scholarships” or they “are not going to be able to go on the trip because their parent forgot to get something in on time” you are somehow “just letting the child know.”
Trust me: children of parents like me know that their moms or dads don't have enough time or money - you don't need to inform them. They feel the stress of it every day.
Instead, why not take the shame out of it?
Next time the parent walks in, ask the parent to stop and complete the form right now.
Next time, ask yourself: What if you congratulated the parent on what an amazing job they are doing? Because let's face it - we only parents are! I am one hell of a mom, and I have done it alone since day one!
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Let's look into a day in the life. On a regular day, I try very hard to wake up at 5 a.m. and do yoga, then get completely ready before I wake up my son. (I don't succeed a lot, but I try.)
I then check my email and wake my child. I push him to get ready, to remember everything, and to be out the door by 7:25 a.m. on the dot. (During these moments, I feel like I am a sheep herder.)
This year, I often am able to come back and get ready before I leave for meetings. However, that was not always the case. For most of my son's life, I have had to pack a lunch (which I am entertainingly bad at) and then drive him long distances to school. If I can come back, I do so, then make tea and get ready to work.
If I have an appointment or meeting, I have to be ready, dressed for business, and be out the door - also at 7:25 a.m. - while still remembering all of his needs. If he forgets something, it is my job - and only mine - to make sure that I get it to him.
There have been times when I have to leave him without the item he needed because there is just no one else to get it to him. So he does without the script, the costume, the textbook, the money for dinner, the phone, and so on. We simply do not have a choice.
Do I feel terrible about this? Absolutely!
Do I need you to tell me how important it is that he remember and how much I suck as a parent or he sucks as a kid because he/we forgot and did not have the resources to fix it? Nope! (I already know, but thanks for your input.)
Ok, so, we have only gotten through the getting out the door. Wow - I am already tired.
* * *
So, then my son is at school and I am at work. During this time I often cram eight or 10 or 12 hours of work into six hours so I can be a mom after school: getting him the ride to rehearsal, making sure he has dinner, or getting him to appointments. Sometimes, I have to leave him sitting with nothing to do while I teach classes until 6 or 7 p.m.
Also, I can't be at every single production of every single showing of every performance he does (which, honestly, I think is a little overkill, anyway). I have a three-show rule for every run.
When I am at his shows, I am the one who picks him up almost every single night. Sometimes I twiddle my thumbs waiting for him in town, knowing that I am never going to have the energy to clean my house or make a real dinner.
When we get home, I get out my cattle prod. (Just kidding.) We have at least six arguments about homework, about dishes, and - worst of all - about how much I suck as a parent (an argument anyone who has raised a teenager is familiar with).
We also have laugh after laugh about those arguments. A benefit of being an only parent is the unique connection that you often have to your children.
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Then there is dinner. Here is a list of things that I sometimes call acceptable dinners: popcorn, cereal, eggs, soda, and French fries, a Frosty, ice cream, cheese and crackers, and microwave hot dogs.
Don't get me wrong: we also eat homemade soup, roasts, stir fry (we eat a lot of stir fry), breakfast for dinner, and other real meals.
But not every time. I just don't have it in me, and sometimes our kitchen is not clean enough.
Oh, yeah - that is another thing. When you come in and let me know that it is messy in my house? Thanks! I don't know how I would have figured that out if you hadn't told me. I must have been relaxing and didn't notice that I had not gotten to the dishes or that there is paperwork covering the dining room table.
If you had not told me, I never would have known. Thank God for you!
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I am here to tell you this: it ain't easy being an only parent - and, as my child said at 6 years old while walking down the New York City streets in a Superman cape, the real shame is “no one has any respect for superheroes around here.”
The bottom line: parents in general are usually doing the best they can.
If you know that they are busting their butts to make their kids' lives work, then leave your judgment at home.
If you know that they laugh and cry together and they show up at shows and parent meetings, then leave your judgment at home.
If you know that they are taking care of their kids from birth to college age and beyond, then leave your judgment at home.
How about a little praise for the incredible work parents like me do to make their children's lives work?
How about some “oh, my goodness, I can't believe you are ambulatory”?
How about a humbled response to the real superheroes of our time - those of us who are only-moms and -dads who are doing it alone and raising amazing kids?