BRATTLEBORO — While Valentine's Day gets all the hype in February, it's also Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month - a good time to explore particular challenges for teens facing such abuse.
One in three teens in the U.S. has experienced some form of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse from a partner, with young women between the ages of 16 and 24 at greatest risk - almost three times the national average.
According to Loveisrespect (loveisrespect.org), a resource empowering youth to help end dating abuse, only about one-third of teens who were in a violent relationship ever told anyone.
This statistic shouldn't come as a surprise, though: beyond the valid fears any victim might have about disclosure, teens in particular tend to feel ashamed, think violence is their fault, or worry that their parents will restrict their freedom or just make them break up.
According to another good resource geared toward teens, dosomething.org, violent behavior could begin as early as the sixth grade, and 72 percent of 13 and 14-year-olds are “dating.”
And the younger they are, the less aware they might be that such abuse is even unhealthy.
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What further complicates youth-specific challenges is that dating culture itself has shifted dramatically over time, while dating hazards have not.
The result? Same sexism, different device.
With teens connecting increasingly on smartphones and social media, online harassment, threats, and stalking are far more common.
With each new app, misogyny and abuse also have new avenues. The Pew Research Center (pewinternet.org) estimates that 26 percent of young women have been cyber-stalked, and 25% have been the target of online sexual harassment.
Dating violence online can also include controlling a partner's activity on Facebook, leaking personal photos, constant messaging, looking through someone's phone, and sending unwanted sexual pictures.
Another digital form of abuse is sexting-coercion. While studies show sexting is done almost equally by teen girls and boys, they show too that gendered differences and sense of entitlement do exist: 51 percent of teen girls say they send sexy messages or images because of “pressure from a guy,” while only 18 percent of teen boys cited pressure from a girl.
Moreover, girls still face a no-win double standard: they're much more likely to be shamed if they sext, though if they refuse, they're shamed as a prude.
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The rise of online feminism, especially among young women themselves, is providing greater awareness, plus safe spaces to connect and create change.
For parents, a great resource is Caring Unlimited (caring-unlimited.org), whose website offers signs to look for if concerned your teen is being abused - or is being abusive. The nonprofit also offers suggestions for how to help.
And here at the Women's Freedom Center, we often get calls from parents and other adults concerned about a young couple, and we can certainly provide some general answers and suggestions for how to talk with and support our children.
Ultimately, though, we encourage having teen victims themselves contact us if they choose to, even anonymously if they'd prefer.
Their direct experience provides the most critical starting point for assessing their risks and options. Also, because our services are free and completely confidential, there are unique ways we can help minors looking for information, safety planning, and non-judgmental support.
And besides our 24-hour hotline, we have many proactive ways in which youth, parents, schools, and other organizations can help address teen-dating safety. Contact our youth outreach advocates to find out about age-specific presentations they offer to groups.
Ultimately, of course, our broader culture needs to change too. Beyond the old “be mine” candy slogans, how about these?
• “love = respect”
• “consent matters”
• “no is ok, too!”
We can all put hearts around those.