DUMMERSTON — Dear Mary Ellen: I was shocked and horrified by the recent devastating tragedy in our area, where a mother killed herself and her two young children. How can we best deal with the feelings of grief that come up in a situation like this, even when we don't know the people involved? Is there any way to prevent such a tragedy? -Troubled
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Dear Troubled: I know that many people share your grief at this tragic loss of life, even those of us who don't know the people involved.
I find that it is best not to suppress these feelings. If you feel like crying, cry for as long as you need to. If you feel like screaming, scream if you are in a place where it is safe to do so.
Physical activity might help. Rake the lawn. Go for a walk or run. Lift weights. Tackle some chores that you have been avoiding. Focus on the moment. Meditate. Pray. Write about how you are feeling in a journal. Do whatever feels right to you and seems to help.
One technique I personally find most helpful when I am very upset is to talk about what has happened and share my emotions with a supportive friend or family member, giving the other person time to do the same thing.
For instance, if you have an hour available and the other person does as well, divide the time so half an hour is yours and half an hour belongs to the other person. Each of you then uses your time to talk about the event, saying anything you want to, even expressing emotions if that feels like what you need to do.
The listening person does just that - listens. He or she does not interrupt to share personal experiences or perceptions, or to give advice.
Over time feelings of loss and grief diminish, but in my experience, they never go away. I still grieve for a childhood friend lost in a tragic accident many, many years ago. These feelings are part of life and being a compassionate person.
My answer to your second question, “Is there any way to prevent such a tragedy?” is: not always. But we can all do the best we can.
We don't always know the cause of tragedies like this one. Was the mother affected by something that happened in the past, maybe a very long time ago? Or by something that was happening in her life at the end? Are hormonal imbalances, brain-chemical disturbances, or some physical ailment involved? Are there misunderstandings, worries, and fears that are contributing factors?
In this case, we will never know. But we do know ways we can help others who are upset, as well as measures that don't help and could make a situation worse.
• If someone you know and love is clearly upset or acting irrationally and you are concerned for that person's safety or that of others, call 911. The 911 dispatchers are trained to coordinate efforts with other agencies to set up the optimal system to assure safety.
Other agencies they may work with would be Rescue, Inc., the fire department, the state police, the local police, and the emergency team at Health Care and Rehabilitation Services.
• You can also call the 24-hour emergency service line of Health Care and Rehabilitation Services of Southeastern Vermont at 1-800-622-4235. Trained emergency-mental-health-care workers will discuss the situation with you. Together you decide what you can do and what they can do. It might include bringing the person to a specific place for an evaluation. In some cases they will come to your location.
• Ask the person any of the following questions and listen closely, taking any requested action if it is possible for you to do so, makes sense to you, and is safe for both of you:
-“What happened?”
-“What do you need?”
-“How can I help?”
-“Is there someone else you would like to talk to? Can I arrange that for you?”
-“Is there somewhere else you would like to be? Can I take you there?”
• Avoid leaving the person alone, even if he or she tells you to leave. Stay anyway, even if this person is rude to you. If you don't feel you can be with the person through this hard time, find someone else who can, a family member or a friend.
• Avoid threats, judgments, teasing, or telling the person something like “get your act together.”
• If the person is treating you badly or threatening you, ask them to stop doing that. If they persist, ask someone else to take over for you, or call 911 or the emergency crisis team.
• Be warm, sensitive, and compassionate in all your dealings with this person. You can make a difference in the outcome.
I hope this helps. -Mary Ellen