TOWNSHEND — On Oct. 3, Leland & Gray hosted Vermont state consultant Debby Haskins to offer guidance and support to our wider community and help heal from the loss of our student, Shayne Baker.
What follows is a summary of her advice, especially for parents, guardians, and students, based on her two decades of experience, expertise, and research.
At this time of loss, sharing her words of wisdom is reason to spread to the wider West River Valley, where so many have been affected by Shayne's unfortunate passing.
According to Ms. Haskins, 95 percent of all suicide is either a result of mental illness, substance use, or both. For the survivors, denial and blame are the most common emotions felt. But we need to be gentle with ourselves and one another, because the blame can destroy us.
We will never know the answers to so many questions that we have, and that is what makes dealing with this tragedy so hard.
How can we support one another instead of blaming? We need to use positive tools for healing: crying, writing, and talking.
As youth and adults, we can engage together in sports, art, music, dance - healthy activities that connect the mind and body to creativity.
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I don't like electronic communication, even the telephone. I use it because I live in 2012, but I want to see people's faces.
At Leland & Gray, this is especially a time to see your children's faces. For the following weeks and months, we need to be very concerned about our community. We need to talk and listen to one another. We need to pay attention to the risks.
Boys at risk of suicide are quick to show anger and rage. Girls at risk are usually quieter but equally worrisome, cutting themselves and succumbing to eating disorders.
At this time, we are learning how to deal with pain. We need to teach teens how to express emotions in healthy ways.
Where are the substances in your house? If you know, your child knows. Those at greater risk of suicide are those using substances or who have experienced suicide in their family, community, or school.
Most important is to help youth stay connected in a healthy way. Our students and all the rest of us need to stay physically healthy and active, sleep well and eat well, and seek help when needed.
Where is your spirit? What are you showing your kids? When we come together, we can heal and prevent it from happening to someone else.
Healing is a process – you never get over the loss. You live with it every day.
Doing ceremony at home is a great way to grieve. Talk about what happened and decide collectively as a family on a ritual for healing, even if you're not religious in any way. Silence causes contagion. When families and friends talk, it helps the community heal.
Keep this thought in mind for yourself and the people you know: If you feel that you only have one or two choices, then you need a counselor. Life offers many, many choices. We need to get help for ourselves and those in our community.
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Ms. Haskins presented to Leland & Gray faculty/staff as well, reiterating these points plus emphasizing the need for reestablishing normalcy in school while continuing to support all students.
Those at the greatest risk are students using substances, struggling with mental illness, or both. Compared to the rest of the country, Vermont youth have a higher incidence of substance use, especially alcohol and marijuana, both of which are associated with depression. Vermont also suffers from a suicide rate significantly higher than the national average.
For these reasons, ceasing these habits and treating these addictions rise as a top priority for the school and community.
Leland & Gray will adhere to Ms. Haskins's advice. While the discipline system, based on state and federal law, requires punitive measures, such as suspension and informing police, we will take greater steps towards prevention and treatment.
We will especially pay close attention to students close in age to or who have had a relationship with Shayne. Helping them choose healthy lifestyles is paramount to healing individuals and our community.
Ms. Haskins emphasized preventing the romanticization of Shayne's life and death. For students struggling with mental illness or substance use, suicide glorified by continued public recognition and adoring can increase the likelihood of more suicides.
This is especially concerning for Leland & Gray because Shayne was admired by many, with no shortage of friends and surrounded by extensive family, including at school. His painful decision needs to be understood by impressionable youth as a tragic mistake and calamitous for our community. His decision must not be seen as a way to achieve long-lasting recognition.
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By fostering good health and positive decisions, together we can heal from our loss. The Leland & Gray Crisis Team will continue addressing the needs of students and parents, and it will keep collaborating with local and state agencies to support the wider community in the weeks and months ahead.
A final note: Thank you to all of Leland & Gray's faculty and staff and to all the community members who have shown perseverance, bravery, caring, and support for our students and their families in these recent weeks.