TOWNSHEND — Many people have predicted that the world will end in 2012. We are more than halfway through the year and, as far as I can tell, the Earth is still here.
But there are some bad signs on the horizon. The ice sheets in Greenland are melting, Texas is baking in the heat, and gas is pushing four bucks a gallon.
The more you think about it, the worse it seems. It's enough to drive you crazy.
Fortunately, we all have access to one of the most powerful forces in the universe: duct tape.
With enough duct tape you can fix anything, solve any problem.
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I have repaired plumbing with duct tape, although I would never admit it. People have patched rust holes in trucks with duct tape. I have seen guys cover holes in boats with duct tape.
Don't have health insurance? Carry a roll of the silvery tape with you. It's better than Band-Aids, cheaper than stitches.
Tired of leaving incriminating fingerprints behind? Put duct tape on your fingertips. It's easier to get duct tape than a lawyer, and duct tape will never try to talk you into a plea deal.
Duct tape can improve your appearance. Most guys need to lose weight. Duct tape can pull in that beer gut.
Use tin foil and duct tape to protect you from background radiation.
Many of us are concerned about government surveillance. Wrap duct tape around your head, and the spy planes won't see you. It's the ultimate cure for a bad hair day.
Fix old clothing on the cheap with duct tape. Your favorite pair of jeans might have a fly that keeps popping open at inopportune times, but duct tape can fix it it.
The world may be coming apart at the seams, but we can patch it together, at least for a little while longer.
With duct tape.